Life is not easy but it is not impossible.
In the previous few days, pressure and tension is catching up on me, where i’m in the middle of a crossroad of every possible and every imaginable tension and pressure (at least i think this is a maximum for me at this age and at this level of maturity) is meeting at the same time of my life just in about 2 weeks prior to one of the most important moment of my life.
I was having a lot of tension trying to cope up and study a lot of stuff from the past 1 and a half year, where the scope of this exam is all about,honestly i am running out of time. And fatigue played an important role where in 3 days i was having class after class, study after study and the longest stretch was 2 days ago for 12 hours non stop. I slept about only accumulative here and there 10 hours for the last 3 days.
In the very same time, i was having a big problem and faith crisis with my long-term relationship (8 years) girlfriend, and the fact that she seems to be different quizzed me a lot. I can’t describe how devoted i am to the relationship and when i think our relationship is at it’s best, this crisis hit me fast and hard.
And there is another problem where i dont want to describe it.
I was losing myself, in a very rapid manner.
I am having headache, emotional chest pain and couldn’t sleep well last night. I was in a very depressed mood that for a fraction of second i was thinking of…. (*you dont want to read it*)
It led me to question myself on why am i here, at this point of time.
I have a clear conscious of the reason we are here is to serve Him and obey Him, but i ponder about why i want to become Dr.
It really hit me with this outstanding amount of mental and emotional pressure at the same time, and i wonder will i ever get through the final year exam and housemanship years ahead which is 20 times more stressful, when right now i’m already beginning to question myself on why do i need to do this?
Some part of me is lying to myself and to others, i always say i joined this course because it’s my passion and my interest.
Some part of me is lying to my other half (‘she’), by saying that i want to have a secured job so i can make you happy.
Before, i thought it was right for both of it above but it really doesnt help me when i’m in my situation right now, it doesnt feel right, i am losing myself, i was really lying to myself and i lost myself somewhere along the way in this med course to this point of time.
I went for a real digging this time, i was remembering what i have done for the previous few years, and i want to remember exactly 8 years ago when i decided that i want to do this.
I know by not choosing the road not taken, and chosen this road, i will have to sacrifice a lot of thing, coping with high amount of pressure, but i didnt think properly, at what cost? and for what purpose that i need to do this?
After really thinking and turning and tossing, i was thinking about the same thing i thought 8 years ago, and the thing that i forgot that i wanted to do the most, which is:
I want to make a difference, I want to make a a difference in the lives of many people.
I want to make Malaysia a better place by making people’s life change for the better.
Ultimately, I really want to treat people so that they can do better in their lives and through them, it will improve and contribute to the Ummah, where more people will do more good and more people will be happy and ultimately by doing this i hope to achieve “Keredhaan Allah”.
Then only i can be content with myself. At the cost of myself and for the purpose stated above, i’m willing to absorb whatever may come and go through whatever i need to.
when you are in a lot of stress and you wonder why you are in it, you need something good, something to cling on to. So now i felt it is the right thing to be based on this and cling on this to absorb the stress and pressure. This will enabled myself to propel further and move on with my life and my study.
I will need a lot of courage and a huge amount of strength. I will need to be more and truly independent for mental and emotional strength (i admit i am dependent to my gf for emotional and mental support), for me to be able to go through this and be the best at what i am doing.
I hope everyone that reads this can doa for me for Allah to give me the self support that i am in dire need. After all, only to Him we should be asking and only from Him we can get what we need.