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Eventuality. Nostalgic.

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16/3/2005 is the day i arrived in India, which effectively starting my journey to the MBBS degree.

14/3/2010 is the day the result of the final MBBS exam. Pass.

It’s been 1,825 days or 4 years, 11 months, and 27 days. Whichever way you put it, i mean, i am really relief that it is eventually ended in good term.

i still remember during my high school days, when i started thinking about becoming a doctor, around early form 4 or early 2001, i was sure it would be a great but also a very difficult journey. I can safely say i was right.

At many times during the journey i felt i had reached an impasse, right to the point during this final exam, sometimes i felt it is too much to bear, but now i am freakingly thrilled, obviously excited that i finally, i have finally broken the impossible. i have finally, finally got through it!

For a few people who have known me throught all the years tracked back to form 4, they knew that i’ve been through some rough roller coaster time.

I’ve been at the peak of moment, peak of joy, down right to the lowest valley imaginable, climbing way back up only to free fall back down to the valley, before i climbed back slowly to reach the end of the journey by reaching the peak.

But, i always knew, and i became more realized that when i reached this peak, there’s already a lot more in front of me, waiting to be climbed. waiting for me to reach there.

mark my word. i will be there. step by step. no matter how hard the roller coaster is. i will certainly enjoy my trip along the way!

But for many people, they might thought that it’s been an easy ride, that i am just cruising through it.

Life have too much of suprises, too much, it can set you back damn real hard, it can lift you up above the clouds, but in either pole, you gotta go back to the equator, back to the center line, to smoothen the ride.

2009 was the most traumatic year of my whole life, before that, it was 2004, but the gap between it is like the distance from the core of the sun to the core of planet pluto.

Despite all that, i believe i have hard-earned many valuable values of life during the black times. I have gained many coping skills, strengthen my soul, harden my grit, fortified my heart and sharpen my determination.

Alhamdulillah, and thank you Allah, for all that you have given me, the good, the bad and the ugly. i’ll never question god’s mysterious work for the life of me, whatever it may be, good or bad.

I really hope a dear friend of mine who didnt make it through the final exam, to be strong, determined, to see it through during the next upcoming exam in 6 months time. I know that you feel this is the worst possible thing that ever happen to you, it’s true, but there’s a lot more worst thing that could happen, which i dont need to mention it anyway. i believe my readers will know it too.

he said, that i couldnt feel the way he felt, because im not in his shoes, well i could only tell to him (i wont have to tell him actually) that i do know how it felt, because i have experienced it, but not in the same kind of challenge, but i believe the amount & the sharpness of the trauma is almost equal if not the same. i believe he is strong enough to go through this.

whenever something ugly came my way, i always felt it is the harshest thing that ever happen, until the last one, i really felt that i shouldnt feel that way, in fact, i should believe, there is something worse that could happpen, something that u can never have imagine. I can safely say, whenever anything happen, be calm, be patience, work it through, and pray hard to Allah to instill a greater self-defence in ourself and a better coping for the next challenge or the next ugly moments.

so, i think i finish with all the emo stuff, im really glad and happy to be where i am now. Alhamdulillah. Nostalgic moment. Alhamdulillah again.

now is the transition period, where the end of a chapter came, and the start of a new chapter will come real soon.

The next chapter of my life is gonna be wonderful, cheerful & happy. at least that’s what i hope!🙂

Thanks for reading, if anyone is reading anyway. haha. back to the real world!

Written by abduljabbar

March 15, 2010 at 5:11 am

Posted in kehidupan seharian

When i have your hands in mine

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As close as fragrances are to breath,
As close as songs are to lips,
As close as sleepless nights to memories,
As close as arms are to embraces,
As close, As close as dreams to the eyes,
Be that close to me, oh love of mine.

When i have your hands in mine,
I have with me, the heaven divine.

As close as secrets are to heartbeats,
As close as raindrops are to clouds,
As close as the moon is to night,
As close, As close is waves to the oceans,
Be that close to me, oh love of mine.

Written by abduljabbar

February 21, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Posted in kehidupan seharian

The Alcohol story analysis with DSM IV

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few causes of Alcoholism

Mr. Voldemort (bukan nama sebenar) has been having many problems with his wife in the past few months. In addition to that, his boss at work always scolded him for various reason. One day, a colleague have asked him to go to a bar, to join them drinking the night away.

DSM IV 303.00 Alcohol Intoxication

He gulped down the first taste of beer. Quickly he satisfied with it, and continued to drink and ordering more and more as the night goes on.

By few hours he became drunk, and started laughing loudly, followed by sudden crying in the bar telling about his series of unfortunate events in his life, but no one could understand him as his speech is slurred. Thereafter, he suddenly punched the bartender that made the bartender fainted.

Everyone in the bar got up and yelled at him and his colleague and threw them out of the bar. His colleague became unsatisfied & angry at him.

Eventually he left the place, his gait already unsteady (drunken), with inability to walk in a straight line, but somehow he got to his car and drove away.

His incoordination totally all over the place, for which he is being stopped by a policemen. The policemen saw his eyes is moving horizontally in repeated manner for which the policmen became suspicious and tested him using breath analyzer that shows high amount of alcohol.

DSM IV 291.81 Alcohol Withdrawal

As he goes on about his new habit, he felt uneasy several hours after a bout of heavy drink. he felt his heart beating, sweating for no reason, anxious, his hand shaking by itself, vomiting and vomiting continuously.

DSM IV 303.90 Alcohol Dependence
For a few months, he felt that the same amount of drink could not satisfy him, and he kept on increasing the amount of his drink from 20 can of beer daily to almost 40 can within the space of 3-4 months.

As he goes on about his new habit, he felt uneasy several hours after a bout of heavy drink. he felt his heart beating, sweating for no reason, anxious, his hand shaking by itself, vomiting and vomiting continuously. This cause him to lose his new job at an office as he kept being out of work and he became more and more lonely as more and more friends going away from him.

He felt that he always drink more and spent time longer in the bar than he intended to, and he felt he need more and more time to get sober from moderate to heavy drink. He knows that he rarely went to do things that he loves to do before such as going for movies, fishing and playing football because of befriending the alcohol too much.

Cutting down is his absolute aim now, but despite various an multiple effort, he failed each and every single time.

and he goes on drinking and drinking his life away, despite knowing all of it’s destructive effect.

CAGE questionnaires – problematic drinkers

At the time he realize he has a problem with alcohol, he knows he can’t stop and always needed an opener drink every waking up in the morning.

He is absolutely annoyed by criticism from his wife every seconds of the day, and felt guilty of his current problematic drinking behaviour.

Cutting down is his absolute aim now, but despite various an multiple effort, he failed each and every single time.

and he goes on drinking and drinking his life away, despite knowing all of it’s destructive effect.

DSM IV 305.00 Alcohol Abuse

Recurrent problems

1) His incoordination totally all over the place, for which he is being stopped by a policemen. The policemen saw his eyes is moving horizontally in repeated manner for which the policmen became suspicious and tested him using breath analyzer that shows high amount of alcohol.

2)This cause him to lose his new job at an office as he kept being out of work and he became more and more lonely as more and more friends going away from him.

3)the vicious cycle continues for the next 5 months. it has been 9 months since his first sip of beer.

4)At this moment in time, the divorce proceeding has already completed and his wife has been freed from him.

Wernicke encephalopathy

The night that court judgement been given, he went on a craze. he withdraw a lot of his money, and there’s only one place in his mind, the bar.

With his pervasive sad mood, and losing of all hopes, he ordered and drinks such an amount that even the owner of the bar is having a shock of his life.

He continues drinking without realizing he hasn’t eat all day long of anything at all. At the end of the night, he felt something he has never felt before. He started to felt confused with his surrounding and felt unreal and felt his vision is doubled.

Upon going out of the bar, he felt his walking is extraordinarily unstable but he made it to his house using a taxi. Upon entering his house, he suddenly fell off on his bed and dove off.

over the course of next few months, this has been his ordinary alternate day routine.

Korsakoff Syndrome (amnestic disorder)

Suddenly one day came, and 6 police cars with loud buzz came to his house and break into his house and caught him lying down on the bed. He is being detained but does not know why.

A detective came in for questioning in a room in the police headquarters.

“what did you do yesterday between 10am to 5pm?”

He smiled at the detective and thought there’s nothing wrong. Nothing wrong until…

until he actually cannot recall what he did yesterday. he started sweating his pant and shirt.

he actually cannot even recall what he did last night. he only remembered that he went to petrol pump at around 6.30pm with a set of new clothes.

“At 10am i went to work at the grocery store, and went off for lunch alone at a kedai makan, then i went back to work until 5pm”. He started making a story. Since he knows yesterday was his working day.

“Shut your f****** lies”. “i’ll see you in court”

DSM IV Alcohol Withdrawal Delirium (Delirium Tremens)

When he is being detained, he felt uneasiness after the first 12 hours,
his body started shaking, his heart racing, and he became restless,
started sweating, felt nauseated. After 3 days, he started getting confused with his surrounding,
blurring in and out, as he felt his world going in and away,
from normal to drowsy to normal again, until he saw his wife inside the cell with him, that made him scream his lungs away.

“what are you doing here?”

“I came because i felt sorry that i left you, that i made you became worse, until you’ve been in this cell”

“why am i in here?”

“I’m also not sure darling, but im sure you are innocent”

Getting afraid and paranoid, he called up the prison guard and asked the guard to take away his wife out of his cell.

“Crazy idiot, dirty little bast***, if your wife is here, i’ll probably give her a beating too”

then he realized, his wife only is a short-lived true to life image that anyone cannot see. and he is thinking whether he’s going crazy or not.

Written by abduljabbar

February 21, 2010 at 5:26 am

Posted in kehidupan seharian

Alcohol Fictional Story based on DSM IV

with one comment

Mr. Voldemort (bukan nama sebenar) has been having many problems with his wife in the past few months. In addition to that, his boss at work always scolded him for various reason. One day, a colleague have asked him to go to a bar, to join them drinking the night away.

At first he resisted the urge by his colleagues, but the thin red line is becoming thinner. his Superego is becoming weak to stop him from crossing the line.

He gulped down the first taste of beer. Quickly he satisfied with it, and continued to drink and ordering more and more as the night goes on.

By few hours he became drunk, and started laughing loudly, followed by sudden crying in the bar telling about his series of unfortunate events in his life, but no one could understand him as his speech is slurred. Thereafter, he suddenly punched the bartender that made the bartender fainted.

Everyone in the bar got up and yelled at him and his colleague and threw them out of the bar. His colleague became unsatisfied & angry at him.

Eventually he left the place, his gait already unsteady (drunken), with inability to walk in a straight line, but somehow he got to his car and drove away.

His incoordination totally all over the place, for which he is being stopped by a policemen. The policemen saw his eyes is moving horizontally in repeated manner for which the policmen became suspicious and tested him using breath analyzer that shows high amount of alcohol.

He was detained and subsequently charged with dangerous driving under influence of alcohol.

After he was freed, he went off to find a new work since he has been fired. he continues to drink and drink and drink his life away.

For a few months, he felt that the same amount of drink could not satisfy him, and he kept on increasing the amount of his drink from 20 can of beer daily to almost 40 can within the space of 3-4 months.

As he goes on about his new habit, he felt uneasy several hours after a bout of heavy drink. he felt his heart beating, sweating for no reason, anxious, his hand shaking by itself, vomiting and vomiting continuously. This cause him to lose his new job at an office as he kept being out of work and he became more and more lonely as more and more friends going away from him.

He felt that he always drink more and spent time longer in the bar than he intended to, and he felt he need more and more time to get sober from moderate to heavy drink. He knows that he rarely went to do things that he loves to do before such as going for movies, fishing and playing football because of befriending the alcohol too much.

At the time he realize he has a problem with alcohol, he knows he can’t stop and always needed an opener drink every waking up in the morning.

He is absolutely annoyed by criticism from his wife every seconds of the day, and felt guilty of his current problematic drinking behaviour.

Cutting down is his absolute aim now, but despite various an multiple effort, he failed each and every single time.

and he goes on drinking and drinking his life away, despite knowing all of it’s destructive effect.

the vicious cycle continues for the next 5 months. it has been 9 months since his first sip of beer.

At this moment in time, the divorce proceeding has already completed and his wife has been freed from him.

The night that court judgement been given, he went on a craze. he withdraw a lot of his money, and there’s only one place in his mind, the bar.

With his pervasive sad mood, and losing of all hopes, he ordered and drinks such an amount that even the owner of the bar is having a shock of his life.

He continues drinking without realizing he hasn’t eat all day long of anything at all. At the end of the night, he felt something he has never felt before. He started to felt confused with his surrounding and felt unreal and felt his vision is doubled.

Upon going out of the bar, he felt his walking is extraordinarily unstable but he made it to his house using a taxi. Upon entering his house, he suddenly fell off on his bed and dove off.

over the course of next few months, this has been his ordinary alternate day routine.

Suddenly one day came, and 6 police cars with loud buzz came to his house and break into his house and caught him lying down on the bed. He is being detained but does not know why.

A detective came in for questioning in a room in the police headquarters.

“what did you do yesterday between 10am to 5pm?”

He smiled at the detective and thought there’s nothing wrong. Nothing wrong until…

until he actually cannot recall what he did yesterday. he started sweating his pant and shirt.

he actually cannot even recall what he did last night. he only remembered that he went to petrol pump at around 6.30pm with a set of new clothes.

“At 10am i went to work at the grocery store, and went off for lunch alone at a kedai makan, then i went back to work until 5pm”. He started making a story. Since he knows yesterday was his working day.

“Shut your f****** lies”. “i’ll see you in court”

When he is being detained, he felt uneasiness after the first 12 hours, his body started shaking, his heart racing, and he became restless, started sweating, felt nauseated. After 3 days, he started getting confused with his surrounding, blurring in and out, as he felt his world going in and away, from normal to drowsy to normal again, until he saw his wife inside the cell with him, that made him scream his lungs away.

“what are you doing here?”

“I came because i felt sorry that i left you, that i made you became worse, until you’ve been in this cell”

“why am i in here?”

“I’m also not sure darling, but im sure you are innocent”

Getting afraid and paranoid, he called up the prison guard and asked the guard to take away his wife out of his cell.

“F****** idiot, just sit there and shut your f****** mouth”

“Hey, she shouldn’t f****** be here, chase her away for godsake!”

“Are you f****** playing with me?” and the guards goes in and give him quite a beating.

“Crazy idiot, dirty little bast***, if your wife is here, i’ll probably give her a beating too”

then he realized, his wife only is a short-lived true to life image that anyone cannot see. and he is thinking whether he’s going crazy or not.

As he was brought to the court the next few days, he was sentenced for electrocution, the first time in the country of such , for rapes and first degree murders of 10 girls near his house.

He did not remembered anything at all. Not even a single bit. He pleaded not guilty but the judge wont buy any of it.

As he went through the few years in jail, then came today, 20 february 2010, the judgement day.

Witnessed by many people and aired live across the country, he was electrocuted while drinking his last sip of his favourite beer, the boisson beer.

Written by abduljabbar

February 20, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Posted in kehidupan seharian

i love psychiatry

with 2 comments

feeling & emotion is the daily stuff we are dealing with in minute-to-minute basis.

in medical science context:

emotion is an interpretation of an external event. (a very short summary from James Lange theory, Canon Bard Theory, Mandler’s Theory on emotion)

this crucial ‘interpretation’ can be changed through operant conditioning with positive & negative reinforcement coupled with cognitive learning.

Written by abduljabbar

February 19, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Posted in kehidupan seharian

The night before the start of a big exam.

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the one thing that i would do, as the last thing, just the night before the start of a big exam, is to call my mom.

just her voice is enough to sooth me. and her advice would be unbelievably simple yet pin-point perfect as if she knows what to say exactly to me.

She said, just be calm, and just do the exam as you would normally do. She reminded me to keep strong faith to Allah for guidance and always to remember a verse from Al-fatihah.

“You (Allah), do we worship. and Your aid, we seek” (1:5). [“Hanya kepada-Mu kami menyembah, dan hanya kepada-Mu kami meminta pertolongan”]

So….let’s embrace the exam, and hopefully become a good doctor in the future!

Written by abduljabbar

February 17, 2010 at 9:57 pm

Posted in kehidupan seharian

the day has come

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when i started this undergraduate course 5 years ago, i wonder, why 5 years? it’s so long! what is going to happen throughout these 5 years?

16/3/2005 was the first day in India, but this photo taken at 17/3/2005. the photo taken on the 1st day in Manipal.

Manipal… what can i say? Manipal oh manipal…. the unforgettable roller coaster memory and journey. the one experience i wouldnt trade for anything, even with studying in australia (which i supposedly has to go before epic failure that landed me in manipal). i just love manipal.

one of the thing that makes me wonder is the final mbbs examination, the final one that we would have to take at the end of 5 years.

and the day has come. one more day. 1.

18/2/2010. May the start of the final mbbs exam brings me luck & joy. i hope for the best and i will do all i can to pass this.

i know i can do it.

Written by abduljabbar

February 16, 2010 at 7:48 pm

Posted in kehidupan seharian